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Paul 'The Head' Cooper
"Get down from there, you're gonna fall!" -Paul Cooper Paul Cooper was the head miner at the Maltby Main Colliery in Rotherham, England from 1982-2007, when he was murdered after an assault on Milton and Baked Potato in Scunthorpe. Although the locals believed him to just possess a big head or to be some kind of downy, he was actually an extraterrestrial being who fell to earth after his ship's main engine failed during a routine flyby. He excelled at mining due to his ability to shout boulders and large nuts of coal loose with his extremely loud voice, which was rumored to peak at 160 decibels, far past the human threshold of aural pain. Not much is known of his life pre-Milton, but he had a child with his wife Maxie, who perished in childbirth. He named this child Minnie Cooper, after his favorite car, and they had a fairly close relationship until she died in early 2007. Minnie's death caused Paul to spiral out of control, and many people accredit this event as the start of his infamous spree of bloody murders at Rotherham's College Walk Shopping Center, during which he was dubbed 'The Egghead Killer' by the public. On the night of his largest slaughter, Paul killed 47 people in a span of 3 hours, and left 14 people in A&E with ruptured eardrums. After the police got wise to Paul's MO (Shouting people to pieces and leaving them as little more than a bloody smear on the ground) he fled to nearby Scunthorpe, and hid there for multiple days. He stopped by a local pub, Beefeater The Anchor, and ordered some food for him and two prostitutes that he had become emotionally attached to. He left this review of his experience; "just had one of the worst pub meal experiences ever at the anchor lakeside, didn't have any black sheep on draught... run out! ordered 2 burgers one chicken salad and a rump lamb steak with kale, waitress said lamb is cooked medium I said great that's how I like my lamb she came back and said sorry no kale will Peas do I said OK. meals came out no salad but an extra burger ...der !took it back then came with my lamb which was suppose to be medium but poor thing was still bleeting! there was so much blood my Peas (not kale as nenu states)were red . Salad turns up eventually! they asked if I wanted my lamb putting under the grill by this time I had lost the will to live Unlike the Lamb!! and told them to take it away . there was a fly buzzing around constant and the waitress kept calling us guys even though my missus and the mother in law are clearly not guys (well last time I looked they wernt) after everyone had eaten except me (my choice as I now felt a little off) I asked to speak to manager she offered a half hearted ...no more than a half hearted apology and said she would knock 40% off I said we have a voucher for 40% off she said well hang on to that if you like and use it next time...as my jaw dropped I said do you think we will be coming back again .?very unlikely I'd say! she then gave us the bill with the40% off so we got virtually no apology and nothing all for their poor service and rubbish food. I asked the waitress to call the manageress again but after what seamed like another hour I got up to walk out then like a miracle she appeared from nowhere she claimed we never gave her chance to rectify things I said well we were sat there for ages and you never came back ? she then laffed and said OK you won't have to pay. I asked if I could have her name for my reference when I complain to head office she very reluctantly gave me her first name(Helen) as we were making our exit past a massive que (though God knows why) she shouted to me and said as your not paying can i have your name and I said Mr Smith she laffed again and said that's not real is it ? i replied in front of the que no it isn't... just like your food and your service! so hunger friends please please just think before going to The Anchor Lakeside cos I'm sure I'm not the only one who wanted medium cooked lamb with kale tonight and black sheep from tap and I'm sure the fly will still be there for some time!!!" The next day he returned to the pub, and was slain by Milton and Baked Potato, who slit his throat after seriously injuring his skull. Paul is buried in Moorgate Cemetery, Rotherham, next to Minnie and Maxie. Category:Characters